Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1) Read online

  GOAT IN THE MEZE

  Book 1 in the Greek Meze Series

  KATERINA NIKOLAS

  GOAT in THE MEZE

  Copyright © 2017 Katerina Nikolas

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Cover based on an original sketch by Roy Brittan

  Interior Formatting by The Book Khaleesi

  To my good friend, Brenda Brittan, who had the inspirational idea of turning the old Mercedes car into a taxi, and for first edits.

  Other Books in the Greek Meze Series

  Book 2: Rampaging Roosters

  Book 3: Olive Virgins

  Book 4: Goatly Goings On

  Contents

  Other Books in the Greek Meze Series

  Chapter 1

  Quentin and Deirdre Fancy McDonalds

  Chapter 2

  Adonis to the Rescue

  Chapter 3

  A Blood Soaked Bundle

  Chapter 4

  A Warm Welcome in Astakos

  Chapter 5

  Tripe in the Air

  Chapter 6

  Mail Order Masha and That Old Fool Vasilis

  Chapter 7

  Takis Gets Chatty

  Chapter 8

  What’s in a Name?

  Chapter 9

  The Octopus Blockage

  Chapter 10

  Unrequited Love in the Moonlight

  Chapter 11

  Unlucky in Love

  Chapter 12

  Not a Ghost

  Chapter 13

  Coffee with Adonis

  Chapter 14

  Stavroula Stirs Snails

  Chapter 15

  The Deadly Consequence of Wanting a Divorce

  Chapter 16

  Let Dead and Fake Dead Husbands Lie

  Chapter 17

  Beauty Parlour Time

  Chapter 18

  Disappearing ‘Frillies’

  Chapter 19

  Hideous Old Lady Dresses

  Chapter 20

  Slick Socrates Insults Stavroula

  Chapter 21

  The Papas Plays Footsie

  Chapter 22

  How Tasos Lost his Teeth

  Chapter 23

  Goat on the Menu

  Chapter 24

  Of Course Goat is a Vegetable

  Chapter 25

  Socrates is Sent Out Snooping

  Chapter 26

  A Festive Mood in the Taverna

  Chapter 27

  The Pappas’ Fishing Curse

  Chapter 28

  The Outside Bathroom

  Chapter 29

  Olives Aren’t Eatable from the Tree

  Chapter 30

  Bartering the Doctor’s Bill

  Chapter 31

  The Lemoni Spiti

  Chapter 32

  Stomach Stapling or Death

  Chapter 33

  A Wedding Proposal

  Chapter 34

  Stavroula Cooks McDonalds

  Chapter 35

  Late Evening Gossip

  Chapter 36

  A Morning Jog

  Chapter 37

  Mobile Refrigerated Fish Van Ahoy

  Chapter 38

  All Hands to the Rope

  Chapter 39

  A Rush on Old Lady Dresses

  Chapter 40

  A Man with a Kind Heart

  Chapter 41

  Bald Yannis’ Excruciatingly Painful Back Wax

  Chapter 42

  Merriment in the Taverna

  Chapter 43

  The Interrogation

  Chapter 44

  Deirdre Catches a Fish in Her Hat

  Chapter 45

  Mail Order Masha’s Surprise Party

  Chapter 46

  A Return to the Lemoni Spiti

  Chapter 47

  A Passionate Fling

  Chapter 48

  A Waster in a Dress

  Chapter 49

  Fish with a Lemon Dress

  Chapter 50

  An Unseasonable Heat Wave

  Chapter 51

  Goat in the Sunroof

  Chapter 52

  Secret Addictions

  Chapter 53

  Laughing Too Loudly

  Chapter 54

  Gorgeous Yiorgos Makes a Grisly Discovery

  Chapter 55

  A New Look For Toothless Tasos

  Chapter 56

  The Funeral

  Chapter 57

  The Heiress

  Chapter 58

  Bald Yannis’ New Hair

  Chapter 59

  A Quiet Evening in the Wake of the Wake

  Chapter 60

  A Confession

  Chapter 61

  Presumed Dead

  Chapter 62

  Don’t Trust the Collection Plate Condoms

  Chapter 63

  A Bigly House Decision

  Chapter 64

  A Sticky Afternoon

  Chapter 65

  Good for Business

  Chapter 66

  Goat Loving Malakas

  Chapter 67

  The Fake Dating Scam

  Chapter 68

  A Wedding Ban

  Chapter 69

  Eating the Evidence

  Chapter 70

  A Near Fatal Attack

  Chapter 71

  A Reward is Offered

  Chapter 72

  Pre-Wedding Nerves

  Chapter 73

  The Wedding

  Chapter 74

  The DNA Sample

  Chapter 75

  Shirley Valentine

  Chapter 76

  A Honeymoon Let Down

  Chapter 77

  The Curse of the Pappas’ Fishing Curse

  Chapter 78

  The Pappas’ Fake Religious Renaissance

  Chapter 79

  An Impending Visitor

  Chapter 80

  Bleeding Borscht

  Chapter 81

  Bald Yannis Flogs Some Patriotic Shower Curtains

  Chapter 82

  Nitsa Arrives

  Chapter 83

  Underwear Everywhere

  Chapter 84

  Secrets Shared

  Chapter 85

  Lunch in the Car

  Chapter 86

  Havoc in the Hardware Shop

  Chapter 87

  Policemen Return from Nowhere

  Chapter 88

  Goats in the Inheritance

  Chapter 89

  Picking Weeds

  Chapter 90

  The Missing Cat

  Chapter 91

  Vinegar in the Taverna

  Chapter 92

  The Beautiful New Pet Goat

  Chapter 93

  Tourist Tat

  Chapter 94

  Useless Million

  Chapter 95

  The House Clearance Sale

  Chapter 96

  The Cookery Lesson<
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  Chapter 97

  Quentin and Deirdre Have Lunch at Fotini’s House

  Chapter 98

  Washing Line Patrol Duty

  Chapter 99

  Toothless Tasos and Thea Enjoy a Day Out

  Chapter 100

  Diet Sabotage

  Chapter 101

  The Pappas Walks the Goat

  Chapter 102

  Cat for Ransom

  Chapter 103

  Taxi to the Hospital

  Chapter 104

  Liberated Women

  Chapter 105

  Fire!

  Chapter 106

  Ruled Out of the Enquiry

  Chapter 107

  Hospital Visiting

  Chapter 108

  Old Lady Makeovers

  Chapter 109

  Fond Feelings

  Chapter 110

  Eyeing Up

  Chapter 111

  Hells Gates and Goat Ramblings

  Chapter 112

  Locked in the Hardware Shop

  Chapter 113

  Bald Yannis is Dragged out of Bed

  Chapter 114

  Debt Collectors at the Door

  Chapter 115

  His Darling Agapimeni

  Chapter 116

  Squashed Gossip

  Chapter 117

  Is Not What Yous Think

  Chapter 118

  Shop Wars Brewing

  Chapter 119

  Vasilis has a Rival

  Chapter 120

  Invitations

  Chapter 121

  Time to Party

  Chapter 122

  Goat in the Meze

  Chapter 123

  Quentin and Deirdre Fancy Greek Food

  A Taste of Rampaging Roosters: Book 2 in the Greek Meze Series

  Chapter 1

  Quentin and Deirdre Fancy McDonalds

  Quentin and Deirdre McCain were definitely in the mood for McDonalds. The early retired American couple had treated themselves for their fortieth wedding anniversary to the economy version of the great European tour. They had done London, Barcelona and Venice in a whirlwind, had their photo taken with a Beefeater and resisted the temptation to go ‘full on’ Parisian and eat snails in Paris. Poor Quentin had his wallet lifted by a grubby urchin in the Louvre, but luckily all their important papers and credit cards had been stuffed inside Deirdre’s ample bra.

  Now the couple were enjoying a leisurely drive through the Greek countryside, determined to be photographed with every ruin they passed for posterity. The charm of Greece was slowly seducing them. With nothing pressing to rush back for they were considering extending their stay on the Greek mainland and even perhaps sampling a bit of island hopping.

  Oiled out with copious amounts of Greek salad and feta cheese Deirdre was in the mood for a taste of home. “I could murder a McDonalds,” she said. “Maybe we’ll come across one on this road. Take a left Quentin,” she instructed, having taken a wild guess.

  The road Quentin took climbed uphill, then uphill some more. It was some time before they realised they were negotiating hazardous hairpin mountain bends. Deirdre was too busy rummaging round in her bra for the last packet of posh Altoids mints to notice. Quentin was stunned by the majestic scenery as the sun set over the sea in the distance.

  “We must be nearing the top soon,” said Deirdre. “There just has to be a McDonalds at the top. I read about it in the guide book.”

  “They don’t seem to be too big on McDonalds round here,” said Quentin. As they neared the top of the mountain a petrol station loomed in the half light and Quentin pulled in. Clutching the guidebook he headed inside, hoping to get directions which would satisfy Deirdre’s craving for a big Mac.

  Quentin felt a bit stupid when the burly Greek mechanic guffawed loudly and proclaimed “No McDonalds, McTakis. McTakis. Mia ora,” helpfully holding up one finger, before adding in broken English “one hour.”

  He pointed into the distance, indicating they should continue on in the same direction along the now dark mountain road.

  Driving off into unchartered territory, Deirdre looked up McTakis in the guide book and discovered the menu bore no relation to McDonalds. What she had thought were onion rings turned out to be circles of fried squid. As hunger pangs set in and their stomachs started to growl they hoped they would at least find a nice friendly taverna offering Greek salad.

  Half an hour later their car broke down on the dark mountain side and their great Greek adventure began.

  Chapter 2

  Adonis to the Rescue

  Deirdre sucked the life out of the last Altoid as she watched Quentin furtively emerge from behind an olive tree, zipping his flies up.

  “It’s all right for you,” she complained “but there’s no way I’m going behind an olive tree in the dark with all those goats watching. I could really kill a McTakis now. How long have we been stuck here Quentin?

  “Two hours. I wonder if that little bump we had on the road had something to do with the car breaking down,” he replied. “Someone will have to come along sooner or later. I just hope anyone that stops can speak English.”

  Right on cue a shiny pick-up truck soared by, then slammed its brakes on and reversed. A Greek Adonis, the very cliché of handsome, wound his window down and said in very heavily accented English “Friends, are yous ‘aving the car troubles? Is not a goodly night to be broken down an’ out I think, we ‘ave the wet rain soon.”

  As he spoke the heavens opened and torrential rain drenched the hapless Quentin who asked “Is there any chance of finding a car mechanic in these parts? We passed a garage two hours ago.”

  “No, no,” the Greek man said, nodding his head vigorously and clucking his tongue. Is late now my friends, all klisto, ‘ow yous say closed. Better I take yous to my village for the night and tomorrow we find my cousin Adonis the mechanic. Come, I take yous now to my village. Yous a safe with my, my name Adonis, everyone know me and love me. I ‘ave hotel but it is closed till tourist season. My cousin Yiota she ‘ave a rooms over ‘er taverna, I take yous there.”

  The couple exchanged wary looks but couldn’t see another option other than sleeping in their broken down car on the dark mountain.

  Deirdre’s bladder made the decision for them and the two of them piled into the front seat of the pick-up driven by the handsome smiling Greek and prepared to be whisked away to his village. As they settled into the vehicle Adonis asked if they were English or German.

  “Ah Americanos,” he exclaimed delightedly, shaking their hands enthusiastically. “My cousin Adonis he go to Big Apple and open ‘Souvlaki Palace.’ Is very goodly, yous know it, yes?”

  As the couple introduced themselves, Adonis struggled to pronounce their odd names. Quentin became K-Went-In and Deirdre became Did-Rees. Little did they envisage these botched variants of their names would end up sticking.

  Chapter 3

  A Blood Soaked Bundle

  As Adonis sped along at great speed Deirdre clutched her throat in terror at the reckless way he was taking the alarming hairpin bends. She was squashed between the two men and Adonis put a hand on her thigh with a reassuring squeeze and told her he was the best driver for kilometres and not to worry. His other hand was holding a coffee and a cigarette.

  The smoke from his cigarette failed to disguise the pungent smell permeating the van, which appeared to come from a bloodstained blanketed bundle thrown on the back seat.

  As the Americans began to fear they were in the clutches of a deranged serial killer Adonis explained he’d had the good fortune to run into a bit of ‘road kill’ just lying unclaimed in the road. The blanket was wrapped around a dead goat to avoid getting blood and gore all over the upholstery.

  Adonis voiced his incredulity that some utter fool had obviously engaged in a bit of goat hit and run and not stayed behind to collect his prize. “Maybe if you still in the village tomorrow evening we all a eat goat together,” Adonis invited. “My cousin Yiota do gre
at things with dead goat to make, ‘ow you say, tasty.”

  “Lovely,” Quentin managed to say, while hoping with every fibre of his being that the earlier bump they had encountered hadn’t been the goat in its live form. He would hate to be an accidental goat murderer. His wish was that tomorrow the car would be repaired in a timely fashion and they would be well away from this chain smoking, wife groping, mad goat eater.

  Deirdre hoped she could find a last Altoid to quell the nausea arising from the hurtling speed, the smoke and the overpowering smell of dead goat. The road turned into a steep descent and she was far too frightened to be discreet as she rummaged around in her sizeable bra hoping to find a stray mint. Noticing her fear Adonis offered Deirdre a cigarette and a swig from his hip flask of ouzo. She declined the cigarette politely but was grateful for the numbing sensation the clear fiery liquid induced.

  After several more minutes lights appeared in the distance and Adonis announced they had arrived in his village. The van failed to slow as Adonis negotiated the narrow street, lined with stone houses. He eased off the accelerator enough to shout greetings to a number of men seated outside the harbour side kafenion and then pulled into a side street fragrant with salty sea air, jasmine and citrus.

  Quentin was most pleasantly surprised at how totally delightful the village appeared in moonlight. Even Deirdre managed to raise a smile as she realised she was about to put two feet on firm ground and leave the dead goat behind.

  Chapter 4

  A Warm Welcome in Astakos

  As Quentin and Deirdre drank in the fragrant fresh air outside the taverna their rescuer was busy gesticulating and gabbling in indecipherable Greek with an imposing middle aged woman. Suddenly Deirdre felt herself enveloped in a bear like hug from the woman whom Adonis introduced as his cousin Yiota. “I must a leave now,” Adonis exclaimed, pushing the blanket wrapped goat into the hands of his cousin, “but will return in the morning to take you to my cousin Adonis the mechanic.”

  Yiota showed the Americans to a pleasant room above the taverna, gesticulating to the bathroom to indicate they should wash and then come downstairs to eat. Glass doors opened onto a small balcony where they could see the sea gleaming in the moonlight. The rain had stopped which cheered them no end and they were relieved not to be stranded on the mountain overnight.

  They had planned to drive across the Greek mainland and take in the cultural sights of a large town with five star amenities, but decided to make the best of their overnight unscheduled stay in this charming backwater fishing village of Astakos, named for a lobster.