Greek Capers Page 8

  “Nothing would make me ‘appier than making an honest woman of Thea, I ‘ave loved ‘er forever. She is a goddess,” Tasos replied with a heartfelt sigh. “I worry she wont’s wait around forever, it goes against ‘er nature to be living in sin.”

  “Taso, it is time for you to man up and come clean. You have left Stavroula in an impossible position. Through no fault of her own she thought she was a widow and free to marry when she wed Kostas. Then she made the unfortunate discovery you were not dead at all,” Socrates stated, carefully laying the groundwork while fondling his sideburns with his single carefully nurtured elongated long fingernail.

  “Well you might think it unfortunate I’m not actually dead but...”

  “That’s not the point Taso. You faked your own death, making Stavroula a bigamist through no fault of her own. Now Kostas has been declared officially dead, making Stavroula a real widow this time, but still legally married to you. I can’t marry her while she’s stuck with you. If you don’t man up and confess to faking your own death I will be forced to take matters into my own hands and report you to the authorities.”

  “Po po, yous wouldn’t do that Socrate, it wouldn’t be friendly.”

  “I’d rather not Taso. That is why you must turn yourself in, that way they will be more lenient with you.”

  “Can’t I just divorce Stavroula now she’s a real widow?” Tasos asked hopefully.

  “It’s too risky. I have to establish you duped Stavroula with your fake death. If you simply apply for a divorce the authorities may ask awkward questions and make the erroneous assumption Stavroula was in on it, after all she did benefit financially from your fake death. It will be best all round if you simply come clean and throw yourself on the court’s mercy.”

  “An’ if I don’t, yous will dob me in?”

  “We have to put an end to this nonsense once and for all otherwise you and Stavroula will both have this hanging over you and neither of you will ever be free to marry the person you really love.”

  “An’ Thea will surely leave me if I’m never free to marry her,” Tasos admitted, sick of wondering if Thea would leg it with the next widower to come along. “Right, I’ll do it. I’ll do it tomorrow. ‘Ow much trouble will it land me in?”

  “Taso I am prepared to offer you free legal representation. I’m sure I can come up with a crafty defence that would mean you only serve six months at most.”

  “In prison?” Tasos gulped.

  “No in a holiday camp. Of course in prison, you moron. I will plan a brilliant defence based on you not being in your right mind at the time of the offence.”

  “Prison. Will they at least let me keep my dentures?” Tasos groaned, before sarcastically adding “I’m sure Thea will find me an attractive proposition when I get out of prison as an ex-con who yous have labelled a nutter.”

  “But at least you’ll be able to make an honest woman of her and she’ll have the financial security of half your scruffy old cottage. Now come to my office in the morning and we’ll talk strategy before you turn yourself in to the police,” Slick Socrates commanded, taking his leave.

  Slumping down in the deck chair with his face in his hands Toothless Tasos sighed. The prospect of prison was intolerable for such a law-abiding citizen. He entertained a fleeting thought about faking his own death all over again, this time by drowning in Astakos and washing up in Australia, but he realised he could not bear to be parted from Thea.

  Something soft brushed against Tasos’ leg, distracting him from his despair. Looking down he saw Thea’s cat staring up at him fondly and before he knew it the cat had sprung onto his lap. Tasos instinctively stroked the purring furry feline, finding it surprisingly comforting.

  “I never saw much point to yous before, but now I sort of get it. Yous will be a great comfort to Thea if they send me to prison,” he said to the cat. “When Thea gets ‘ome I must remember to ask ‘er if yous ‘ave a name.”

  Chapter 17

  Tiddlers for Fish Meze

  Evangelia was thrilled with the new spa pedicure tank she’d filled with the fishy contents of Gorgeous Yiorgos’ carrier bag.

  “This will go down a treat with the customers,” she said to Sofia. “I’ve invited a few ladies over to try it out, they are sure to love it and spread the word on the gossip vine. Unfortunately Masha can’t make it as she’s stuck at the bedside of her comatose octogenarian husband.”

  “I thought she was out on a date with some flash mafia chap from Kazakhstan,” Sofia argued.

  “Well we mustn’t gossip dear, much better if people think she’s doting over her husband. Our clients tell us things in confidence you know and it doesn’t do for us to spread their secrets.”

  “Who else have you invited?” Sofia asked with genuine interest.

  “Well there’s Mrs Kolokotronis. She’s the mother of Fat Christos who has the supermarket and she knits clothes for Bald Yannis’ goats; and of course young Iraklis lodges with her. Such a nice boy, he’ll make some girl a lovely husband now he’s decided not to be celibate.”

  Sofia was amused by Evangelia’s ban on gossip as she seemed to be up to date on everyone’s business and happy to prattle on to her new trainee, spilling all the juicy details.

  “Then there’s Did-Rees of course, she’s an American married to K-Went-In, such a nice couple even though they are a bit gormless. They bought an old-run down house in Rapanaki, next door to Prosperous Pedros’ ghastly old mother Fotini, and had Achilles the borrowed builder round to do it up. Fotini’s an old shrew who lives with her second-cousin Nitsa who drives the illegal taxi, and with Hattie, K-Went-In’s mother. Hattie got herself hoodwinked by one of those pesky cat fishers that prey on lonely old widows and ripped her off for every cent; not only that but she makes the most vile ice cream out of potatoes,” Evangelia volunteered.

  Barely pausing for breath she continued “Soula may come along if Bald Yannis can spare her in the hardware shop. Such a nice woman, she might be plain and lame, but she has a lovely nature. Everyone said Bald Yannis was a virgin and clueless how to woo women, so he used a matchmaker to find a wife with a load of scrawny goats for a dowry. He brought Soula down from the high mountain village where she’d had a dreadful life with her tyrant of a father. Would you ever guess the reason she’s lame is because she got herself stuck in a bear trap overnight?”

  “Ouch, just the thought of it is painful,” Sofia sympathised.

  “Soula’s father is in prison now for keeping the dead body of his sister in the deep freezer and defrauding the state of her unmarried woman’s pension. They just carted her sister Koula off to a padded cell, what an odd one she was, breaking into people’s houses to clean, and stalking random men. She convinced herself she was engaged to Prosperous Pedros, even though he’d never looked twice at her, and made herself a hideous wedding dress that she wore to attack the Pappas. She even tried to kill Masha. To think she sat in that very chair and I did her hair, a right tangled mess it was too, it makes me shiver to think about it.”

  Sofia’s gasp gave Evangelia a chance to catch a breath before continuing.

  “Thea promised to pop over too; of course she’s your nona so I don’t need to fill you in on her. I invited Yiota but she can’t leave the taverna in the evening, and Stavroula isn’t budging from the bedside of her comatose father.”

  “Wow, you’ve got two people from the village in a coma, what are the odds of that?” Sofia said in amazement.

  “No dear, just the one fellow in a coma. Stavroula is his long lost love child which makes Masha her step-mother. Stavroula lives with the slick lawyer Socrates, but everyone knows she’s still bigamously married to Tasos who lives with your nona.”

  “I thought it would be dull and boring moving to a small village, but the lives of the people here are riddled with scandal and intrigue,” Sofia exclaimed.

  “Never a dull moment here,” Evangelia confirmed, turning away to hide the sad expression on her face. It might all sound terr
ibly exciting to Sofia, but she feared her own life was as dull as ditchwater. She’d never actually met the people she most closely confided in, as they were all incarcerated in maximum security prisons on the other side of the world.

  “They’re here now, I can’t wait to meet them,” Sofia said enthusiastically.

  “Ladies welcome, welcome, do come in,” Evangelia greeted Thea, Mrs Kolokotronis, Soula and Deirdre, with a forced smile.

  “Ooh, that’s a fancy looking contraption,” Mrs Kolokotronis said.

  “Fish pedicures are all the fashion in Athens and on the posh islands like Santorini and Mykonos. I imagine this is the only one you’ll find out in the sticks,” Evangelia boasted.

  “I can’t wait to dip my feet in it,” Thea enthused.

  “Now ladies, if you’d all like to strip off your pop socks and put your feet in the tank you’ll soon appreciate the amazing benefits of a fish pedicure,” Evangelia invited.

  Thea disappeared behind the salon curtain to remove her stockings and Deirdre rolled her trouser legs up, while Mrs Kolokotronis and Soula whipped their pop socks off and stuck their feet straight in the tank. Soon four pairs of legs were suspended in the tank full of nibbling anchovies, sardines and crabs.

  “Ooh, it doesn’t half tickle,” Soula laughed.

  Looking a little perturbed Sofia pulled Evangelia aside to whisper “shouldn’t you have made them wash their feet first? It doesn’t seem very hygienic. The fish spa could be a breeding ground for germs.”

  “Well people don’t wash their feet before getting in the sea and swimming together and it doesn’t do any harm,” Evangelia reasoned.

  “But they have to shower before getting in a swimming pool,” Sofia argued convincingly.

  “Well don’t say anything now. I’ll read the instructions later on how to keep the tank hygienic,” Evangelia fudged, belatedly realising it might have been a good idea to familiarise herself with the instructions first.

  “Ouch, something just bit me,” Deirdre shrieked.

  “That’s how it works Did-Rees, the little fish nibble the dried up dead skin off your feet to rejuvenate them,” Evangelia explained. “It’s the same principal as a pumice stone, but with teeth.”

  “They swallow the skin then excrete it back into the water,” Sofia added, as Evangelia desperately tried to shush her.

  “Is it meant to hurt?” Mrs Kolokotronis asked, lifting a foot out of the water to reveal a crab clamped to her big toe.

  “Hmm, I’m not sure how that crab got in there,” Evangelia said, prising it off Mrs Kolokotronis’ big toe. “But this therapeutic treatment is said to be an excellent remedy for those nasty warts on your feet. What is it now Sofia, I thought you were making coffee for my ladies?”

  Evangelia turned puce when Sofia dragged her to one side, whispering “Don’t you know warts are contagious? They could all catch them from those revolting things on the old woman’s feet.”

  “Now ladies, that’s enough for your first session, you don’t want to overdo it,” Evangelia blurted, panicking she could be inadvertently responsible for spreading a plague of warts around the village.

  “Just five more minutes,” Thea protested, “it feels so decadent to indulge in a fishy massage.”

  “Oh yes, just five more minutes to make my feet even smoother,” Deirdre concurred.

  “No, you mustn’t overdo it the first time,” Evangelia insisted, hastily chucking towels at the four women. “Your feet will be beautifully rejuvenated by now and Sofia has made coffee for you all.”

  Evangelia, desperate to drain the tank of the wart contaminated water and give it a good scrubbing with bleach, hurriedly filled the mop bucket to transfer the anchovies, sardines and crabs into, ready to use again in the next round of pedicures.

  Sipping her coffee Mrs Kolokotronis boasted Iraklis had caught his first ever fish that afternoon and it was a whopper. “There’s plenty for everyone if yous would all like to come over for dinner,” she invited.

  Everyone immediately accepted the kind invitation with the exception of Soula, who’d promised Bald Yannis she would be back to help in the hardware shop after her pedicure. Evangelia welcomed the chance to go out for once, thinking the company might help her shake off the uneasy feeling that had enveloped her ever since reading Marvin the Mincer’s latest missive.

  “Will your lodger be there?” Sofia asked eagerly.

  “Of course Iraklis will be there, but I like to think of him more as an honorary grandson than a lodger,” Mrs Kolokotronis replied.

  “I’d love to come,” Sofia said, visibly blushing.

  “Sofia, yous is blushing,” Thea teased, to the girl’s embarrassment. “’Ave yous got a bit of a crush on Iraklis?”

  Sofia maintained a stony silence as the other ladies gave her knowing winks and immediately started compiling a glowing list of all Iraklis’ attributes.

  “He’s such a good catch, yous would be lucky to land ‘im. I’d like to see ‘im settle down with a nice girl,” Mrs Kolokotronis said, giving the girl the once over and deciding she had a lovely smile underneath all the gunk plastered on her face. “It’s about time he started courting, he’s a bit of a late starter ‘aving been impeded by his vow of celibacy.”

  “The poor boy is terribly besotted with Masha, he blushes and stammers every time he’s near her,” Deirdre commented, awakening the green eyed monster of jealousy within Sofia.

  “That just shows he’s a red blooded young man and his stint in the church didn’t stifle his passion,” Thea said, happy that Toothless Tasos was one of the few men in the village immune to the silicone charms of the Russian.

  “It’s just a boyish crush he ‘as on Masha. Once he meets a nice girl he’ll grow out of it,” Mrs Kolokotronis assured Sophia, mentally matchmaking her lodger with Thea’s goddaughter. “Come along back to mine everyone, Iraklis promised to do a nice salad to go with the fish and he won’t want it to wilt.”

  The ladies departed, with Evangelia promising to follow them as soon as she’d locked up the salon.

  “’Ang on a sec, can yous just make some change for Mel before yous shuts up,” Fotini asked, poking her head round the salon door.

  “I was just locking up Fotini. Mrs Kolokotronis is cooking a fish young Iraklis caught. She says it’s a whopper. Just a sec, I think I may have some change in the back.” Evangelia had yet to meet Fotini’s houseguest from Idaho but was happy to oblige with his need for coins.

  “I cant’s believe what yous did to Nitsa’s ‘air,” Fotini cackled. “She looks fifty years younger now yous ‘ave made ‘er look like a hooker,”

  “Nitsa was the one who insisted on hair extensions, I’d have given her a more age appropriate short back and sides,” Evangelia replied huffily from the back where she was searching for change. “Pull the door to Fotini, I don’t want customers thinking I’m still open.

  Moving inside Fotini stubbed her toe on the metal mop bucket, causing the water to spill over and splash her pop socks. Peering down she spotted the bucket was full of small fish. “Waste not, want not, these tiddlers will go down well in one of Mel’s fish mezes,” she cackled under her breath, filling the pockets of her hideous old lady dress with handfuls of tiddlers.

  “Evangelia won’t be needin’ these if she’s off to eat fish with Mrs Kolokotronis,” Fotini muttered, shuffling off back to Mel and completely forgetting to wait for the change.

  Chapter 18

  A Floral Vision of Loveliness

  “I can’t think where young Iraklis has got to. He must have been ‘ere a minute ago as this lemon still ‘as indentation marks from his fingers,” Mrs Kolokotronis said to her guests, picking up the lemon Iraklis had squeezed over the salad before dashing out of the back door when he saw the intimidating teenager following Mrs Kolokotronis into the kitchen. “Irakli, where are yous, we ‘ave guests?”

  “Psst, keep your voice down, I’m out here,” Iraklis hissed, hovering outside the back door.

  �
��Ladies excuse me, I’ll just pop outside and pick some fresh oregano to dress the fish,” Mrs Kolokotronis said, confused as to why Iraklis was lurking out of sight when he was usually so polite.

  “What is that girl doing here?” Iraklis stammered.

  “Where’s yous manners young man, she’s my guest,” Mrs Kolokotronis replied.

  “But she makes me nervous. She’s so scary with that purple hair and black leather, it’s not natural.”

  “Get over youself Irakli, she’s just a victim of fashion. ‘Ow would yous like it if people judged yous by yous acne without bothering to get to knows yous?” the older woman chided. “Now run over to the supermarket and tell Christos to give yous a bottle of wine for my guests. It will give yous time to pull youself together before yous come and meet Sofia.”

  Returning to her guests Mrs Kolokotronis announced, “Poor Iraklis is a nervous wreck about meeting Sofia.” Addressing the teenager directly, she added “If truth be told he’s a bit frightened of yous ‘cos he knows nothing about fashion. He finds yous Goth image a bit intimidating. Why dont’s yous run to the bathroom an’ give yous face a good scrub? I can lend yous a nice flowery blouse to put on instead of that leather jacket.”

  “And I have a nice pastel pink lipstick you can borrow,” Deirdre offered with a reassuring smile.

  “Do I really look intimidating?” Sofia asked, fingering her nose ring and hoping she hadn’t blown her chance of making a good impression on the object of her teenage admiration.

  “Well not to us, but men can be funny creatures. Take Tasos for instance, he’s a tad terrified of you ‘cos he’s always been a bit shy around women,” Thea confirmed. “Men like girls to look feminine; yous vampish image is too much for ‘em.”

  “Come with me love, I’ve a nice headscarf yous can wrap that purple mop in,” Mrs Kolokotronis invited, leading Sofia away to raid her wardrobe.